I've talked about women not knowing how to let a man love them, but I've noticed a lot of men don't know how to be loved as well. It's so hard trying to be with a man that has been through a lot and been hurt so many times that he thinks everybody is out to get him. It doesn't matter what you do to show him that you're different, he won't let you in. You start to become frustrated wondering if it's something you've done or said. Maybe even consider leaving because you feel like a stranger in your own home. Like most women, men have trust issues and barriers built in attempt to refrain from being hurt. I think it's 10 times worst for men because they've adopted this hardcore mentality so they think they aren't supposed to show emotions.
I was seeing a guy who had severe attachment issues due to his childhood and a long term relationship ending badly. Everyday seemed like a pop quiz! He was constantly testing my loyalty and sincerity. He didn't know how to express himself verbally and wasn't big on affection which was a major problem for me. I'm the type of woman that wants to hear "You're Beautiful", I like hugs, kisses, and massages. Sometimes it seemed like he cared, sometimes it didn't. I was fighting a losing battle with someone who had issues deeper than me. We talked about it often but by the time I had proven myself to him (in his eyes) it was too late. The attention and affection I needed from him, I began to get it elsewhere. It wasn't until he began to fall in love with me that he realized he needed to change, but by then the damage was already done. Like everyone else in his life before me, I left him.
Men easily label women as "damaged" completely unaware that they are dealing with the same dilemma. It's like knocking on a door and the person you love cracking it, but not letting you in. A relationship grows with two vulnerable individuals that are able to trust each other with matters of the heart. My experience proved to me that men are capable of changing and will for the woman they truly want to be with... As for him, I pray that he's able to give a woman a chance to love him and love her equally, if not more.
Sincerely,
F.C.
wow
ReplyDeleteI am pretty much in the same situation, living with a man with trust issues as well as a host of others, like flirting, porn, etc. I knew this person had problems when I met him, but he was basically a good man and just needed a chance in life. I loved him and we got together, but even from the beginning, once he has consistent Internet access, he began carrying on flirtations with other women online, while he was at home and I was at work. I am a very affectionate person, but him, not so much, but I decided that I could live with that, as I wouldn't want someone hanging all over me all the time. But after 12 years, he is still doing this behavior, and I have actually seen the proof of this and it hurt me so bad, because I had dealt with it in my previous relationship and it "killed" that one, because I don't "share" and if you are "with me" you have to be there 100% or not at all. I have discussed this with him, and I told him about my past before we got together, I told him that I felt that he didn't respect my feelings and didn't care if he hurt me, he was only interested with his instant gratification. The latest incident happened about 4 years ago now. I spoke with the woman and she wasn't interested in him in that way, but he took it out of proportion, so I was cool with the woman, but I expected him to apologize to me, even after I confronted him with proof and the other woman stopped talking to him. He was mad at me because the other woman, who he claimed was a "friend" wouldn't speak with him again. He was more into her than she was with him and he blamed me for that lost "friendship". To this day, he still hasn't apologized to me, which is all he needed to do to make things better between us. We now live like roommates, in the same house, but as far away from each other as it is possible to be. I am so lonely but because I respect my marriage vows, I can't bring myself to find the affection and attention that he doesn't give to me. But, as sad as it is, I am almost to the point where I can break those vows of fidelity because of the way he is. He doesn't take responsibility for the things that he does, and if you question him, he gets "uber" defensive and speaks of "being attacked". I am not sure what to do at this point, but I am thinking I need to do something...
ReplyDelete12 years? Look at it like this, you don't want to look back at age 75 and see all that misery and pain you're carrying now! The problem is not you... IT'S HIM! Don't allow him to make you feel guilty or less than a woman because he has issues that are deeper than your marriage. It's okay that you don't want to cheat on your husband, you aren't supposed to. But honey... he doesn't value what the two of you have or your position as his wife! If he hasn't changed in 12 years, he isn't going to, because he doesn't HAVE to. So many women say to me: "I have to do something..." DO IT! At the very least, get a room for the weekend to yourself to think things through, write your issues down, and weigh the good and the bad and go from there. Trust me, he won't even realize you're gone. It could be that he doesn't know how to love of show affection but you've spent 12 years waiting... I don't think he wants to learn.
DeleteI did and interview with a woman who's in a marriage similar to yours but she did seek affection outside of her home... You should read that, be she too said, "I have to SOMETHING!" I know it;s easier said than done but you have a right to EXPECT love, loyalty, and affection from your HUSBAND, it's a part of the job description!